Why can't you tell an Indian a secret? Because the red dot means they're recording!
(True story) Today I was bring some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “oh, now they’re broken.” And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
None of these are jokes... they're all facts...
Man: How do you prepare your chicken? Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.
Why are astronauts forgetful? They're always spacing out.
some of the most convincing people you'll ever listen to are born liars; usually they're called politicians
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romnticising their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.. Then you know they're faking depression🙂
If you know it, you know it
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive
Why do musicians in New Orleans smell so good?
Because they're jasmine (jazz men)!
Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.
An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice,"
Why are Americans so bad at Chess?
They're missing two towers.
Puns: I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th. They're going to have an explosive party, that will definitely blow you away. It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast too!
I say 1 2 3 all the kids bullied me but now they're not so cool cuz I shot up the school
The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
guys, stop telling orphan jokes, soon they're gonna tell they're pare- oh wait, nvmd, carry on.
Stop hating on pedophiles. At least they're good babysitters.
Why are handicap signs blue? Because they're all crips (sorry)
Who can jump the highest? Depressed asses some say they’re still in the air
A : Whats the similarity between your girlfriend and the Sun?
B : They're both hot?
A : They're both massive.
