They're jokes
I think the Explanation Bear reminds me of Stephen Hawking. Because they're both part machine, and nobody likes them explaining everything.
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
Why don't fish play basketball?
Because they're scared of the net!
Why can't you play the guitar on a fish?
Because you can't tuna fish!
What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
What fruit likes to go down the slide?
Kiwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
That's all my jokes in mind, y'all!
Today I went into the library looking for books on gangstalking. The librarian leaned over the circulation desk and said, "They're right behind you."
My friend is a proud liberal, and she is about open minds, but she hates white men unless they’re gay and black men unless they’re conservatives. She hated slavery, but she’s for the party for keeping it.
What do dogs and lesbian women have in common?
They're both lickers and called a bitch.
Dogs are better relationship partners than you. Wanna know why? They're loyal, patient, love unconditionally, smart. Traits you clearly lack, you cheating ass bitch.
Why are women like parking spots?
Because all of the good ones are always taken first, and you gotta wait until they're available again.
I just bought two new biro pens.
One is light blue with hints of purple and another is green with hints of white.
They're filled with monster's ink.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call ten lesbians in a room together? Fingerhut.
What do you call two lesbians in a closet together? A liquor cabinet.
What do you call a room full of 50 lesbians and fifty congressmen? 100 people who don't do dick.
Why don't women wear miniskirts in the winter? 'Cause they would get chapped lips.
What do a cliff jumper and a gay man have in common? If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit.
Today is Elder Abuse Awareness Day.
Unfortunately, they're still not giving lessons on how to beat an annoying Alzheimer's patient without leaving a mark.
Why do white people get abducted by aliens?
Because they're easier to see in the dark.
An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.
They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.
"Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.
The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.
"State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."
They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.
"Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.
When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.
"No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."
Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.
The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.
"What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.
"Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."
Sister: "Has anyone seen my clothes?"
Brother: "They're still in my bed."
Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.
I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.
Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.
When it comes to mosquitoes in Africa, should you feel bad that they're getting AIDS from their victims?
Why should you shoot a homeless crackhead in the head?
Because they're basically zombies.
How can you never find a hippo hiding behind a weed?
Because they're so good at it.
You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.
I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.
"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they're very tiny and we're not sure how they got in there.