The jokes

What does the Catholic Church and Worstjokesever.com have in common?

They're both full of child groomers.

Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?......... It hurt.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Why did the lonely fish get a detention? Because he left the school.

What's the difference between economy and Vietnamese?

Economy doesn't work.

What animal jumps the highest?

An emo kid, some of them are still up there.

We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class.

I started playing the Angry Birds theme song. That didn't fly well with people, the teacher yelled at me like a bomb, and I landed on the ground.

If you have a pair and it runs around the street, what do you call it? A running pair.

I was playing Fortnite with a kid, then I heard their emo sister in the background, and it sounded like they were playing Fortnite, too, with the pistol shot and all.

Why are the lines on the gay pride flag straight?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What’s the difference between Hitler and a bug?

Nothing.

Why does an orphan like The Beatles? Because it's family friendly.

Why was the emo kid thrown out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

For fingering the minor.

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.