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There's a one-story house. Everything's yellow, even the kitchen, living room, and bedrooms. What color are the stairs?

Math riddle: If I have 12 bottles of wine in one hand, and 9 in the other, what do I have?

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

I got fired from the bowling ball factory for throwing out the ones that had holes in them.

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.