The jokes
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
Your clown is so stupid it took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
The winds of Uranus go on and off, so you could say the wind is broken.
So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window, and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down, and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.
When her head game is so strong, she sucks the chromosome right out of you.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
Does anybody know the similarities between a Rubik's cube and a penis?
I don't know the whole answer, but I do know that the more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What did the author say when he got a correct answer? "I got it right!"
Your mama is so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl!
What did the flag say to the pole?
Nothing, he just waved.
If you're Canadian in the kitchen, then what are you in the bathroom?
European.
Where do Eagles send their children to study?
The Alpha birds.
Where does Santa send his children to study?
The Elf-phabets.
When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.
Why did the Pikachu say "Pi"??
He had to use the bathroom!
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.
What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?
Others: R.
Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.