The jokes
I wonder why the plane got bigger and bigger, then it hit me.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.
What did they call Susan B. Anthony when she was sleeping on the job?
Snoozin' B. Anthony!
How did the orphan die?
Of sadness.
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
Only one of them stops sucking after you slap it.
They didn't have a category for Bald, so I chose the Bald Eagle.
Did you know that bald people have an endless forehead?
Two guys are on a plane. One of the guys' name is Jack. The other is Peter.
Peter: "Hi Jack."
Flight Attendant: "You're going to hijack the plane?!?"
Jack: "No, my name is Ja-"
Flight Attendant: "Everybody stay calm! These two men are going to hijack the plane!"
Jack: "No, no. My name is Jack and my friend here is an idiot."
What do you call a man off the ground?
Hanged.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
What is a chicken's favorite day of the week? Fri-day.
Mrs. Mallara's boobs were (69) pounds. She said that was too too too much (69222), so she went to 51st Street (6922251) to visit Doctor X (6922251 x), and the surgery lasted 8 hours (6922251 x 8).
She ended up (the total flipped upside down spells boobless) (=)55378008
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.
He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
The real reason Stephen Hawking died is because he tried to overclock his wheelchair.
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.