SOS jokes

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

Yo momma's so hairy that when the baby came out, it got rug burn.

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."

Yo mamma so ugly that even God said, "Be gone, DEMON!"

Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?

Why?

So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.

So I ended up doing the YMCA.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

Please take this down, it's not funny at all!

It's a joke, not a dick, so don't take it so hard!

Yo mama so hairy, when the baby came out, the baby died because of carpet burning!

What do you call a fantastic goat?

Goatastic! So funny please like.

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.