So jokes

So, Duracell batteries do run out.

Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?

They are always swinging a stick.

The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"

If Stephen Hawking was so fucking smart, why hasn't he learned to walk yet?

Q. Why is Stephen Hawking so good at air guitar?

A. Because he has excellent string theory.

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face as you climax.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.

Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.

So two guys walk into a bar. One says, "Can I have something to drink?"

The other says, "You wish!" LOLOLOLOLOLOLO dab on the haters - Jake Paul wreeeeecckkked.................... DABDABDABDBABABDBABDBABDBABDBDABDBsabBaDBAD,,,,,,,,,,five fo e the winners. KILL MATPAT, THE EARTH IS FLAT AND A DONUT

Yo mama is so fat, she sat on a quarter and popped a booger out of George Washington's nose.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

Why are mountains so funny? Because they are so high!