Secret Agent jokes

James Bond: Vodka martini.

Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.

James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

What's a whale's favorite James Bond movie? "License to Krill."

What do you call James Bond when he’s taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

What's Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?

A Double Manhattan.

Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."