Retirement Home jokes

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.