Mix-up jokes
Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"
Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."
Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"
All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...
Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.
Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.
And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.
There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...
There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.
So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
I watched an episode of Law & Order Special Victims Unit. It turns out it's about rape. I thought it was going to be about crimes on a short bus or something.
Why were the Twin Towers made on 9/11? They ordered pepperoni pizza but got plane.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he knew how to mix up some beats!
Yo mama is so dumb, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
Even though I look completely white, I am apparently 70% black!
Until I realized that it was a mouth swab test.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they bought a pepperoni pizza, but they got plane.
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
I ordered a pizza with everything on it, but I got a plain pizza.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because they ordered pepperoni but instead they got... Plane.
The Twin Towers ordered Little Caesars, but instead got Dominos.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.
Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.
That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )