Collection of Roasts

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.

We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.

Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.

You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.

Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.

I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.

Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.

Your face makes onions cry.

The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.

You look so pretty, not at all gross today.

It’s impossible to underestimate you. Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.

I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.

I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.

Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.

You bring everyone so much joy... when you leave the room.

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

You are the human version of period cramps.

If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.

Don’t worry — the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.

I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!

“Check your lipstick before you come for me.” — Naomi Smalls, RuPaul’s Drag Race

“It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’” — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race

“Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?” — Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Oblivion

“Go back to Party City, where you belong!” — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race

“Where’d you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?” — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul’s Drag Race

“Impersonating Beyoncé is not your destiny, child.” — RuPaul, RuPaul’s Drag Race

“Don’t get bitter, just get better.” — Alyssa Edwards, RuPaul’s Drag Race

Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.

You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

I know you are, but what am I?

I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.

You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?

Bye, hope to see you never.

Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ____!”

Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah... that is now.

I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.

N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”

Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.

How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?

You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.

Someday you’ll go far... and I really hope you stay there.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.

Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?

I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.

*Thumbs down*

That sounds like a you problem.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.

“I’ve been called worse things by better men.” FUN FACT: Pierre Trudeau, a Canadian politician, used this clap back after learning that Richard Nixon had insulted him. The political shade!

Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you.

“What, like it’s hard?” — Elle Woods, Legally Blonde

Sorry, not sorry.

I’m busy right now; can I ignore you another time?

If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.

You have an entire life to be a