How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
Howe Jokes
How do you get a baby in a box? With a blender.
Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
How do you make a trash can leak?
Hit it with an axe until it becomes part of the cosmos!
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."
Kid 1: Words can't describe how ugly you are.
Kid 2: Words can describe how beautiful you are.
Kid 1: Aw, thanks!
Kid 2: But numbers can. 0/10
Bro never learned how to play Jenga. 🙄
I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.
I like my people how I like my tea...
In a bag under water.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
Sometimes orphans can't win spelling bees because they don't know how to spell "home."
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
How can Canada be one of the most educated countries when Canadians are unable to correctly spell "analyse", "programme", and "aluminium"?
How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?
None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.
How do you give a woman from Alabama a nice compliment?
Answer: You say to her, "Hey, nice tooth!"
