If the dyslexic man wanted to adopt a kid, then how could he sign the papers?
How do you beat Lady Gaga at Texas hold’em?
Poker face.
How does the bunny keep his fur neat?
With a hare brush.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.
Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.
How many times do I tap that ass? OVER 9000!
How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.
How did sally get a free trip to Hawaii? She washed up on shore.
Mom, why was I adopted?
Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!
Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!
How do you make a hotdog stand? You take away its chair.
How do you turn the Roman numeral IX (9) to a six?
Add the "S."
(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.
My question is how fat people fit in tuxedoes, honestly don’t wear those wear ur regular clothes, ur belly is just gonna pop out
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?
A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it off...
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
