Herring Jokes

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Q: what happened when the depressed kid wanted to high five the tree?

A: It left him/her/them hanging.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."

Off the nearby cliff.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

Ah yes this website is made out of the website

The image is a three-panel cartoon meme. The first panel shows a monster with multiple eyes and fangs saying, "A father has his role as the father." The second panel shows a pale woman with red marks on her face saying, "and the mother has her role as the mother." The third panel shows Buzz Lightyear with his arm extended into a phallic shape saying, "hmm yes the floor here is made out of floor."

A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.

Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

‘BJ Titsngolf’

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.