Herring Jokes

Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and whent up to her mom and asked "mom I have hair on my privates,what is it?" "OH honey thats your monkey." The mom says So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says "my monkey has hair on it" so the sister replies with a laugh "you think thats cool my monkey is already eating bananas

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline. The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me." a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: „That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!“ The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: „The driver just insulted me!“ The man says: „You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.“

Your mama so ugly that even Rick Astley had to give her up

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!“ The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!“ The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.“

Yo mama so fat i stood next to her and lost cell phone reception

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words ... through the pillow.

What do you say to a women with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her "why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?" His mother replies "to make myself beautiful Johnny." A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so i put her in the oven

So I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company. Everyone is mad but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

My sisters name is coco and one day she was funny so I told her you

Coconut

Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "you forgot the remote"

My gf dumped me so I took her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back

i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat. She said nothing, so I took her to Africa

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee, his dad sees this and says "i saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies "i don't care, i don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says " i saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little johnny replies "I don't care, i don't like butter anyway." Both little johnny and his dad go in for dinner, johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. little johnny looks and smiles and says "do you want to tell her or should i?"

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!