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GUI jokes

Death

1. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

2. What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

3. What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”

4. Why are colds bad criminals? Because they’re easy to catch.

5. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

6. Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table? Sir Cumference.

7. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.

8. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!

9. What happens when you witness a ship wreck? You let it sink in.

10. How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

11. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

12. What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!

13. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!

14. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side!

15. What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

16. What did the teacher do with the student’s report on cheese? She grated it.

17. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

18. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, matey!”

19. How do you organize an astronomer’s party? You planet.

20. What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.

21. Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.

22. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

23. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

24. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.

25. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!

26. What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.

27. What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.

28. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

29. Why should you never eat a clock? Because it’s too time-consuming.

30. What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.

31. I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I can really see myself doing.

32. What grades did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs.

33. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

34. How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!

35. Did you hear about the mediocre restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.

36. What kinds of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies.

37. What do you get a man with the heart of a lion? A lifetime ban from the zoo.

38. What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree? A branch manager.

39. Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.

40. What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.

41. When is a door not really a door? When it’s really ajar.

42. What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.

43. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!

44. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Poor guy really needed some space.

45. What’s the No. 1 cause of divorce? Marriage!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

Disabled

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right.

Work

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

Twin Towers

I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.

Adoption

Hey, guy, you suck! Why do I suck? Because you're the one that's sucking juice out of a straw.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.

The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.

The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”

The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”