Gauge jokes

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."

I hate school. I mean, why can't you pull out a 12 gauge and shoot everyone, including the teachers?! This generation is too soft, man.

I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."

I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.