Gauge jokes

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."

I hate school. I mean, why can't you pull out a 12 gauge and shoot everyone, including the teachers?! This generation is too soft, man.

I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.

I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.