Do jokes
What do you call a flying sheep?
A muttonbird.
What do you call a sheep with wings?
Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
To keep their legs closed.
How do you call Doom guy that drinks Monster Zero? Boom guy!
What do you call a cow that has stuff growing on it?
Mosscow
Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].
Do you want to hear three jokes?
Joke Joke Joke.
My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked my mom how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your new stepfather."
My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."
How do ducks fart?
Out their butt, quack.
I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What do big fat male cows have?
Moobs.
How do you count cows with a cowculator?
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
What do you call someone without a body?
Nobody.
How do you beat Lady Gaga at Texas hold’em?
Poker face.
People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
How many times do I tap that ass? OVER 9000!