Die jokes
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
Why did Technoblade die?
'Cause he wanted to Skyblock in Heaven!
What did Hitler say to Stan after he died?
I did nazi that coming!
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
Why did Michael Jackson die?
Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.
If being near immortal was a normal thing, I bet wanting to die would've been too.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
As the Navy SEALs burst into Osama Bin Laden's room in his Pakistani compound, his last dying words forever rang in the ears of the SEALs...
"It was just a prank bro."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.
Repeat after me: Die angle; die angle; sweetie. Angels don't die! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Stephen Hawking is just in a role play. He died to a crash in Minecraft.
How did a man know his wife died?
Dishis start piling up.