"There could be a viral video of you doing something random with millions of views, and you have no idea because you haven't seen it."

Shower thoughts. U know u have serious acne when blind people try to read ur face-As a kid my parents taught me to not believe everything I see on TV, now I have to teach them to not believe everything they see on Facebook-Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969— Vehicles today can surf the web, link to your phone, stream music and videos, etc.. but they still can't perform a simple database lookup to tell you what the check engine light is on for.-If you run at 11pm you are a night person. If you run at 5am you are a morning person. If you run at 3am you are a suspicious person

Hypothetically, if I Was a President I'd Banned U From Entering Ur Country in the Terms of #Terrorism".

I fucking hate Stuart Little. I know what you’re thinking, this is some funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of shit. fucking damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he’s supposed to be a hero? And I can’t even tell you how many damn times I’ve seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realize Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid tiny fucking convertible. He took my wife and the kids and my house and my job. I swear to fucking god.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate it. What are you all having today? I had some nice chile verde enchiladas, perks of being Mexican

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.