A Letter of Reflection and Apology

This is going to be a mouthful, but I suggest you read it all. Posting as anonymous, but yeah, it's Amy. A lot wrong has happened on this site, like a LOT. And for me, this involved the insults & constant wars & whatnot. After it was all over, I think I started building myself off my hatred of you all. I started becoming my hatred ina way. Not a day went by that I didn't remember the hurt I felt. Also, somewhere along the way, I stopped forgetting I was part of it too. I provoked arguments, I bullied people, I hurt countless others. I played the victim in my own head because if I didn't, who was I? It was easier to be a victim than to be hurt. It was easier to hate than to own up. Looking back, the idea of this site was so crazy. Dumping a bunch of teens on a website with virtually no restrictions? That went well! None of us were good on this site. It brought out the worst in us. It also, however, brought out the best. It's easy to forget that beyond the screen we were and are real people. I choose to believe we truly did love each other, even through the worst. I know nobody's really on here anymore, but I hope somehow this gets spread and they see it. To Mal, I'm so sorry for pushing you away. I really am. I should've taken your help & pity. I pushed you away because I was jealous. How easily you fit in, how everyone loved you. Honestly? You deserve that love; you were great. To Wade & Carter, thank you for being an important part of what I like & my humor. To Flappy & Sah, thank you for being by my side when no one else was. You'll always be my friends. I love you guys so, so much, truly & honestly. To Emily, you were a bitch. And I loved that. You took NO shit from anybody. I was jealous of how smart and mean you were. I was genuinely scared of you. Thank you for apologizing. You've matured so much, and I love you. To Chexy & Rylee, I'm sorry for messing with your hearts. That's all I'll say. IKYK. To Ethan & Charlie, my favorite Texans, you guys are awesome. Ethan, you should still join rowing. Charlie, I listen to the song you sang for me often. I love you. To Eli, thank you for being there. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, but I promise any girl would be lucky to have you. And to Madi, my enemy, my friend, my idol, my Satan. Thank you. And to all there in between, Dagger, who I loved, and the random others like Black & heroin monkey, I love you too. And to my sweet, wonderful boyfriend, Aiden, you are probably so confused, but some things aren't meant for you. I love you. And Gianni, or joke, or Reuben, or whatever. I loved you a lot at the start. And I hated you when you didn't reciprocate it. When you started dating Madi, I thought I hated her for having you. But I realize now I just hated you for not wanting me. Eventually, in the midst of your relationship with her, my feelings shifted toward platonicy, because I saw the immaturity in you. That isn't meant to insult you. I was plenty immature. We had some fights, but we settled into being friends. I think I see a lot of myself in you. My human insecurities and fears. It scares me, because idk, it feels like we're headed towards destruction. I've known you for just about 2 years. You're an amazing friend, even though sometimes it's hard. Hard for me and hard for you. I push myself away sometimes because you are a constant reminder of the hate I felt. When you started talking to Mal, that hate came back. And I'm sorry. I know being my friend is hard; I know I'm not always helpful or kind. You shouldn't have to carry the burden of my hate. No one should. I want to finally let go of that hate, that victim mentality, that hurt, that pitiful part of myself. I don't want to hold it anymore. Thank you for having me be a part of this. I know this isn't the ideal apology, but it's the one I have and the one you all deserve. I truly do love you all.