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And jokes

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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    • There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.

    Hello, I'm hahaha. What do you call a funny rubber toe?

    Roberto!!~!~!!! AaaaAQAAAHAHAHAA. And like hahaha, what's wrong with airline food? They're not black and they're not people.

    A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

    Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

    Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

    How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

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    • Jack and Jill ran up the hill to pop some pills,

    And Jill said, "Jack can do her without here will," and Jack's penis was still.

    Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?

    Her: What?

    Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.

    A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.

    A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."

    Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

    How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

    Your mom is so fat she ate an iPad and said, "Ahqah!" funny food mmm banana and hehe haha! And what deal with airline food? It's not white and it's not black and it's not Asian!? AHAH? DSF

    What's wrong with airline food...! They're not black, and they're not people. hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahXD!!!!!!!!! You're welcome?

    The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

    The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

    "Yellow and far apart."