And jokes
You smell dirty toenails and pigeon sex.
What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?
Kid's.
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
What do you call a kid with 15 nukes and a shotgun?
The final countdown.
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.
What does an orphan and a dog have in common?
Both got taken from their parents.
What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?
When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.
What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu? Pikachu, I choose you!
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.
Let's rock and roll!
Why do orphans only have 354 days?
'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!
What's the same with your dad and Retail Row?
They are both off the map.
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
People were scared of the alligator because it ate everyone, so they called for the water god Aquarius.
He said "Sea ya later, alligator!" and he drowned.
You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.