And jokes

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."

Girl, you and slow are slower than a fairness.

I am not telling you twice, your mouth stinks, so go burn your house down like a crazy mad woman, and I will call the cops like, "WTH," because you are so fat.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

Are your forehead and your hairline best friends because they look like they go way back?

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

What do a black and a tornado have in common?

They both wreck neighborhoods.

A boy's hairline is always in the back of his head, and its shape is like a check mark.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?

Names.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.

Follow me.

I heard a noise, so I'm dead.

I was at a funeral and made a joke. No one laughed, but someone died.

What's hard and hairy on the outside and soft and wet on the inside? Coconut, what were you thinking of?