All jokes

What has two legs and is red all over?

Half a cat.

I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?

The lunch lady gave me only one carrot. I didn't carrot all.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

Why are retards good at basketball?

'Cause they dribble all the time!

Why are smurfs blue?

Because they get bruises all the time.

All these oranges, but you're still the one for me.

"Wheel" all miss him, right?

What's the difference between all the jokes on this page? Nothing, they're all knockoffs of old jokes you've already heard that aren't funny. Penis!

Why did Stephen Hawking die when he logged onto Facebook?

It took all his info!

[God creating Asians] “Alright, and the design is finished, see our new model, the Asian. It has no hair at all.”

Angel asks, “Does it eat normal food?”

God replies, “(chuckling) Oh no, not at all.”

A boy walks into the bedroom and sees mom and dad having sex. The boy says, "What are you doing?"

"Baking a cake."

The next day he walked up to his mom doing dishes.

"Remember when you were making a cake? I LICKED UP ALL THE FROSTING."

Yeah, not too bad at all, really.

One day a fh iufh uig8v cdy ufh pufvbf ufiu pofiu9fh fiv9fd and a ihefipuivbrivbvhbuirhvbifbvirvueuvgevuebvuerevheubyebubv8ub and a uhckebckjebicbevivhcbehvhbeuybvuebvubvbevcb and one uchercvievciouevihevc98f9p8r78797t587t987dbgioubriogbrihj and they all say we are hacks.

There was a guy I knew who owned a foot-high piano player.

He had found a magic lamp and rubbed it. The genie popped out and gave him one wish.

The guy thinks the genie was a bit deaf, as all he got was a 12" pianist.

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"

Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"

I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.