Aed jokes

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?

Finger-food.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

Girl: I've been an orphan since I was three.

Boy: Knock knock.

Girl: ...Who's there?

Boy: Not your parents!

A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.

The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit roll up.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.

Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.

What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean Dip.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

What do bees brush their hair with?

A honeycomb.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.