Aed jokes
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
What is a glory hole at the adult book store used for?
Campaign contributions to the Republican Party.
Lmao
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?
Are you ready kids?
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.