Aed jokes
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After hours of agonising pain... it died.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
Student: Which end?
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.
What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?
Poutine with Russian dressing!
Why buy a pregnant slave over a normal slave? Buy 1 get 1 free. 😂😂😂😂
If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.