Aed jokes
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.
What did Hitler kill himself with? A "Nein"-millimeter.
Why did Hitler never go to a strip club?
He hated the Poles.
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon -- from a landline.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
Chuck Norris wins a staring contest. -- Against Medusa.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After hours of agonising pain... it died.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.