Aed jokes
The only reason why Murrikkkunts think Canada isn't free is because incest is illegal in Canada, in which one can face a sentence as long as 14 years in prison if convicted.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.
What did Hitler kill himself with? A "Nein"-millimeter.
Why did Hitler never go to a strip club?
He hated the Poles.
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon -- from a landline.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
Chuck Norris wins a staring contest. -- Against Medusa.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.