Aed jokes

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A vanilla shake.

When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.

What do you call a candle in armor?

A knight light.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What do you call a dwarf police officer?

A guinea pig.

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.

Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.

What’s wrong with a gay bbq?

All the hotdogs taste like shit.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.

Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon -- from a landline.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

Chuck Norris wins a staring contest. -- Against Medusa.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.