Aed jokes

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?

The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.

Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

A: They tend to crash and burn.

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".