Aed jokes
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
Memes
Bestfriend meme
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?
The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!
What’s a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?
The orphanage.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"