Aed jokes
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
Is necrophilia considered cracking open a cold one?
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedo have in common?
Are you ready, kids?🤣
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.