Today I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well I lost my job at the aquarium today.
If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say "where are your parents?" the kid says "What are parents?
i saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' tshirt so i said "286lb"
So I had a friend who was an orphan and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
you wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "a refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it"
What is a bald eagle's favorite dog breed?
A beagle!
I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000" But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.
How did a blonde commit suicide
She jumped from the basement window
what do you call a sad cup of coffee? Answer: Depresso
having sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels
what's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
a frog in a blender
Ya know, Kobe made a real impact on the earth!
Your at your girlfriends house for a family dinner. Your GF says, " Daddy please pass me the salt." when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a Hit and Can't Run?
Why do vegetarians give a anonymous blowjobs at the glory hole at a adult book store because they don't want anybody to find out that they like meat
A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After hours of agonising pain... it died.
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand up.
9/11 victims are the best readers
They went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball
