Aed jokes
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."
Q. What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. The phrase "jump rope" means different things.
One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
What is a priest's favorite song?
-- Magic Flute in A minor.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
Teacher: Describe a penguin.
Student: Black, white, beak.
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"