Aed jokes
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What's a depressed person's least favorite type of cereal?
LIFE.
Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?
What do you call a piece of tech that acts emo?
Cutting-edge Technology.
If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"
Orphan: -no response-
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."