Aed jokes
Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?
What do you call a piece of tech that acts emo?
Cutting-edge Technology.
If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
What’s the hardest thing about being a rapist? Fitting in.
Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"
Orphan: -no response-
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.