Aed jokes
Why did hockey wookie slap kissing Missy in the face? Because Huggy didn't get a kissy from Kissy Missy.
A professional golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"
"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."
"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"
Did you hear the pickle joke?
It's actually a really big dill.
Why [doesn't] Hollywood make a good movie about holocausts?
Because it's so hard to skin Jewish characters.
The kid's dad was a magician because he disappeared and never came back.
How do stars get their name?
By a black hole because it's sueeeee!
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He only took a day off.
I swear every time I walk past a guy, they stare at my ass. I always keep wondering why it hurts so much.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
Q. What do you call a biracial kid in a vegetative state?
A. A mixed vegetable.
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
What do you call a rapper who's also a PILOT?
Fly Guy
When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat.
I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.
A toaster and a slice of whole wheat bread sit together in the sauna.
After five minutes, the bread starts to sweat extremely and says: "Oh, I think I'm going to be a toast in here!"
The toaster just looks at it bored from the side and replies: "Don't get upset. I'm just here to really switch off."
Q. What do ghosts do when they get hurt?
A. They call an AmBOOlance.
What did the man say about someone who had a seizure?
"Jit was lagging."
What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do you call a group of Indians that eat curry all the time?
The Munch Bunch.
What do you call a mug? A mug dummy.
What does cake and baseball have in common?
They both need a batter.