Aed jokes
Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.
Person B: Over my dead body.
Person B: *gets the noose*
What’s a Mexican’s favorite sport?
Cross-country.
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.
This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.
Watching the 9/11 documentaries, just watching a kill cam.
9/11 and Jenga are the same.
It's a controlled demolition.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
I didn't know that COVID-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
An emo texted a tree, "Wanna hang out?"
The tree ghosted her.
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...
Why can't a cheetah play hide and seek?
Because he's always spotted.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
Showing them the ropes.