Aed jokes
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
Never tell an orphan about a family matter; they wouldn't understand.
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
A: Nothing! He was hung over.
What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
A stab wound.
what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.
During a phone call:
"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"
"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
"You have a great singer inside you."
Lol. It was just a prank, bro.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Men wake up with a boner.
Women wake up yawning.
Coincidence?
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
Where does a girl with one leg work?
IHOP.
Being gay sounds like a pain in the ass.
Tell a dark joke to an orphan, then hit them. They'll get the punchline right away.
What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?