Aed jokes
I tried to make a necrophilia joke, but it was dead in the water.
How does a rapper start his day?
With a MIC check!
There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."
John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"
Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"
John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
Why did the orphan want to go to jail?
So he could have a home and be cared for with food.
You: I have a nice hairline.
Your friend: Since when do you have one?
You: I forgot.
Once I threw the ball at a wheelchair kid. Now we are playing Rocket League! :D
You are so ugly, when you went to a haunted house, you came back with a job application.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on anxiety.
She replied with, "Won't you worry a lot about returning it late?"
Why was the rapper always on time?
Because they had a PHAT BEAT to keep them in check!
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
Why is Paul Walker a walker?
To let people know he isn't a driver.
POV: An Asian kidnapper kidnapped an Asian kid, and the kidnapper called the kid's mom. Then the mom said, "No, it's fine, my kid got a B, he failed." And the kidnapper let him go saying he doesn't need a failure.
A: Guess what kind of men/women do gold diggers like?
Q: One that has a sense of money.
Eminem: "He don't even know his own father." Orphans: Dang, wish I could listen to that. Eminem: At least you have a rap God to call father.
What is the difference between a grandmother and a maid?
One is hope and the other is soap.
What is the difference between me and food?
Food has a use.
The first orphan joke be like: What does the orphan not have?
A family.