Aed jokes

Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.

Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.

Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

A. Calculus homework.

What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.

The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

What's the difference between Kelly Clarkson and a Florida real estate agent?

A Florida real estate agent screws over seniors, Kelly Clarkson screws little children.

How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?

If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.

What do a politician and a minister have in common?

Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.

Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."