A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What is 6.9?
A beautiful thing ruined by a period
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
if a toy from toy story died, the kid wouldn't know and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark
What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?
No seriously, what is it?
My friend has a dry sense of humour
Probably bc her body was decomposed ages ago
Teacher: Ok class I'm going to ask a question about your family. Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11 Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY! Alex: Don't worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died. Teacher: What was that? Alex: Flew the plane.
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
What do you call a singing laptop? -- A Dell.
Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
