Aed jokes
Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A. Calculus homework.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.
The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose.
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
What's the difference between Kelly Clarkson and a Florida real estate agent?
A Florida real estate agent screws over seniors, Kelly Clarkson screws little children.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave.