I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.
I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes? Because they are aimed at a younger audience.
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up, I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check. After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Someone asked me, 'What are them scars on your arm ? ..' I thought I was playing a violin '
What does a politician and a minister have in common? both of them will tell you anything to get money from you
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies "Nine"
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?
