Aed jokes
I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
I heard some twin brothers were going as buildings to the school costume contest, so I went as a plane. It didn't fly too well with people.
What do you call an orange on a small stick?
Donald Trump.
If you laugh your a legend <3 have a downy day
What's the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store?
Scan the wrist and you might get a discount.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍
How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
Why did I walk across the road?
To get hit by a car.
What do you call a flat-chested emo girl?
A cutting board.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.