me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don't it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Why did i walk across the road?
to get hit by a car
If Hitler had a cooking channel: Step one... Turn on the gas.
If you say to someone "have a nice day!" It will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours" They'll be terrified.
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says "what about the children" the rabbi says "fuck the children" and the Priest says "do you think we'll have time
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician? panhandler
One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."
U wanna hear a Suicide joke nvm it didn’t make it
What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage? A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...
My whife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said: 'You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!'
There are going so many things through my head. Sadly none of it is a 9mm.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A kinder surprise
