What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?
A human chandelier.
Shower thoughts
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
They say there is power in numbers.
Tell that to the people in the Twin Towers.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
I asked a black man on the street if a white person paints their face black, it’s considered racist, but if a black person paints their face white, will the cops treat them better?
What do you call a fat transgender midget?
Jigglypuff.
What do you call a fat midget?
Jigglypuff.
I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So I crashed the car.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So I crashed the car.
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 10-hour Energy?
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 2.5-hour Energy?
I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes, but when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do you call a 90-year-old black man?
Antique farming equipment.
A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?
The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.