Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Shower thoughts
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.
A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
How do you stop an argument between two deaf people? Switch off the lights.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A roamin' Catholic.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
Joe Biden’s speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.
Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals? Because he can’t sniff their hair.
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen. "Are those brownies, I smell?", he asks. "Indeed, they are.", he was told. "Gee", he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts."