shaylie lol

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”

He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”

He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”

“No, this is the rink manager!”

I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"

She started crying.

i am a joke

When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)

What do you call an idiot who needs to get a life?

The Stigg.

How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?

Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw it.

The Stigg

Hoes be like, "I've been through a lot."

No, a lot's been through you.

Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.

Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.