When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.
Did you get seafood without me?
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Why don’t midgets wear tampons?
Because they’ll trip over the string.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
Why do women love Chinese food? Because "WON TON" spelled backward is "NOT NOW"!
Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
It's better to let someone think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that always comes out of your mouth?
If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something good.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
Anal intercourse is for assholes.
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.