What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely? Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
Nightmare
Suicide is just self defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs..
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
What is a Necrophiliacs favorite band?
Coldplay
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.