What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
Nightmare
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs..
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
What is a Necrophiliacs favorite band?
Coldplay
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.