Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
"Dinner's on me."
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
I wanted to buy some camo pants, but I couldn't find any.
I ate a sock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals!
Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken!
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.'
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.