I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.