GG Miller

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.

What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.

I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.

What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

"Say what you want about the deaf."

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why didn't Anne Frank just finish her diary?

Concentration problems.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

Why did the cellphone get glasses? Because it lost its contacts!

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”