. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"Where do young trees go to learn?"
"Elementree school."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?"
"He never lands."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas!"
What do my dad and nemo have in common? They both can’t be found
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
What’s better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?
Walking.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.